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THE Lowly Peon

oh! united 
29 May 2009, 1:00pm

an ode to united airlines

some time ago when i was young

got me a credit card to buy on

i knew 'twas wise to get rewards,

but: american or united?

my logic was but simple, fair

my airports were a wond'rous pair

chicago/denver - a roundtrip fair

my tickets would be united.

each time i flew it seemed so odd

why so expensive these tickets i bought?

could it be that i ought

to go 'way from united?

of course there were delays and trouble

i always could forget the grumble

the humble jumbled words they mumble

when they'd tell me my flights they'd fumbled

but somehow i always seemed to stumble

onto ol' united.

but the worst in my few years

was fighting back all of the tears

christmas would be nothing near

no laughter tree or wine or beer

no flights 'til janu'ry next year

'cause i got fucked by united.

lizerbeam is super keen

an angel from a magic dream

she drove me far away between

the texans and the cows who scream

don't fly with united.

let's not forget that one time when

i flew to see my ol' friend gwynne

in florida, that far 'way land

i'm sure the pilots hadn't planned

half day d'lay with united

and then 'twas time to fly out east

my nerves had somehow come to peace

first to stop in cali, sushi feast

but 36 hours my flight had ceased

i had to wait, i'd no release

for i had flown united.

but then what really pissed me off

were the words they mumbled before they scoffed

said i'd have to pay them off

a few hundred big ones - don't make me laugh! -

not to fly united.

i've gotten over the angry folk

who pretend to "serve" my single coke

i can't believe they're all such blokes:

the service on united.

and now brings us to yesterday

which made me jump and shout hooray

all this time has paid off, i say

i can use my miles to fly stefan - to hong kong to visit me and leave the gobi desert - for a couple days

all 'cause of united.

i called to confirm the reservation

after he bought tickets per our conversation

from ulan bator to my current nation

(my miles couldn't get him to the station)

for i was kind of screwed by united

and when i called they said softly: oops.

my heart sank; i knew i'd been duped

they said "reservation" don't mean poop

no more seats, that was the scoop

for i had chosen united.

so here i sit, i've drunk my booze

i've got no choice but to sing the blues

with their gun to my head, i'll pay my dues

to the evil that's called:


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THE Lowly Peon

[29 May 2009]

funny addition: they did have tickets that could have gotten stefan from ulan bator into shenzhen (the to hk by bus), and then shenzhen to beijing. but, i still can't believe this, i would have had to go to beijing to get the tickets, and mail them to him overnight. WTF. so i'd need a plane ticket to go get these plane tickets? what the hell kind of airline with a phone sales service requires you to go get the tickets? and who uses paper tickets anymore?!



[29 May 2009]

Aww, Peter! This is great! Love the poem, and I'm never going to fly United!!



[31 May 2009]

Peter, you amaze me every day.



[04 June 2009]

Wow. That was fantastic. Well done! But sorry about all the heartache.

United has lost my business forever.