THE Lowly Peon

a bit drunk in business class 
22 August 2009, 10:59am

[from the archives, written on my iPhone, a little drunk in business class, on 2009 Aug 4] travel strories from my adventure across the ocean. including 30+ hours, four planes, lots of booze and no sleep

a bit drunk in business class. 

I'm split down the middle on this one. part of me feels like I should write this rant about how great united has treated me today, and the other part can't forget the many times they've made me grab my ankles and take it. and yet another part of me thinks they've only treated me the way they have today because they needed me, and paid me for what it's worth. 

a few weeks ago, I went out searching for tickets for this little trip I'm taking. my visa expired, but I had to be on call for a big project in shanghai, for which I vastly preferred being awake and in the same time zone. so I went to hong kong for a few days, and am now en route to houston, where I'll be for two and a half weeks before going to live it up in the north with all my Yankee friends and family (not the ny yankees. just not the confederates down south that I work and spend much time with these days). anyway, the tickets were crazy expensive. by that I mean four or so thousand dollars. except one, which had three legs through Tokyo and Chicago. why not, I thought. Tokyo means ana which is the greatest airline ever, and Chicago means any problems and i can visit the fan a few weeks early. but still, three legs is a lot to ask for a smooth experience, and I accepted that. 

I made it from hong kong to Tokyo pretty much without a hitch. my batteries died quickly, which meant I couldn't work on av.com as much as I wanted. I got to tokyo, after translating for a Sichuan woman and her daughter (I'm so cool), and booked it to find an outlet to charge up for my upcoming 11+ hour flight. 

while I was waiting, eating overpriced airport sushi (it's japan. what was I supposed to do?!), I heard them say they'd pay me $400 to wait until a flight to San Francisco. think of how attractive those words sound:

$400. San. Fran. Cisco. 

I grabbed my charger, etc, and was the first to the podium. I could hear fat chicagoans behind me grumble about it. sorry lads. so the story goes. 

it took almost thirty minutes for the guy to finish pretending to type while he probably watched YouTube to give me my ticket. upgrade to business class, he said. fly to San Fran and then to Houston. excellent. I'm not really on my time when I travel, but this is my money. business sounds wonderful (business class = outlets = batteries don't need to be charged or replaced).

oh right. it's united though. I need to go get my boarding pass somewhere else. 

I wandered to the red carpet club (premier united folk hang out there), where I waited another thirty minutes for a kind lady to fill out my check and give me my boarding pass. hmm. free wifi. nice. 

then she told me I had to go to a united office to claim my money. right. thanks united. I knew it couldn't be that easy. not with you guys.

I'm sorry, ma'am. there are lots of papers here. does that say "Denver"?! meh. nothing's free. right?

and I must say. I'm not a great speller. but I didn't realize "business" was spelled "economy" for the latter two flights.   

what's that? I can sit in the lounge with free booze and wifi until my

flight boards, at which time you'll notify me so I don't need to look at the clock? nice. 

California Chardonnay. mmmmm. 

wait. is my computer set right? why didnt they tell me? doesn't my plane take off in only a few minutes?!

phew. made it. no place for my bag, but don't worry, flight attendants. it's my problem. where are those cute Japanese girls working for ana? can't you people borrow some of them?

music is great. I'm really digging this zero 7. and this wine. 

wow this seat is huge. lots of buttons. have no idea how to use my seat. wonder why it needs to be so complex. 

van halen? thanks, shuffle god!

oh hello there. yes. excuse me? yes hi. are there outlets here? oh excellent. thank you. wait. miss? I'm sorry, this is just some weird hole with a few numbers around it. I won't put my finger in it, but i don't think my computer charger will fit. oh really? I need to buy an adapter. what a surprise. what!! it's US$120?! hahahahaha I need to blog about that.

you miss the beat you lose the rhythm.

wow this taking a long time to taxi. but this seat is like a couch. roomy. the guy in front of me can lean back and I don't care.   it's almost like I'm on a train. hahaha just kidding. not that nice. 

does van halen have any other stuff this good? this amazing. shuffle god, you're amazing. 

finally time to program. this head rest is a bit low. how the hell... there are thirty buttons but none of them look like a headrest button. or lever (pronounced: leever). there's a kid whining a few rows back. you'd better believe wackmo is gonna be well behaved. and he'll know which sides of the setting his glass and bread goes on.

oooh. Chardonnay. California?! I'll take it. thanks!

wow, and a fancy dinner menu. hmm. looks like a lot of meat. Japanese dinner. okay. sure. hope I don't get sick eating raw airplane fish. just seems like a strange mix to me. 

right now. hey! it's your tomorrow. 

it's 8:02pm right now (timezone unkown. so I guess it's 8:02pm somewhere in the world). I've got another two flights and approximately a million hours to go. woo.

it means everything! oooooh! right now! it's what's happening. right here now. right now. riiiight now. oooooh!